Taken from actual church bulletins

Don't let worry kill you: let the church help.

Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands.

Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday. Please use the back door.

Miss Charlene Mason sang, "I will not pass this way again," giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.

The Parish Drama Club will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The Congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs Lewis to
come forward and lay an egg on the altar.

And Jesus said unto them, "And whom do you say that I am?"

They replied, "You are the eschatological manifestation of the ground of our being, the ontological foundation of the context of our very selfhood revealed."

And Jesus replied, "What?"

A town had been flooded, and the water was rising. A army jeep pulled up outside a man’s house, where the water was fast approaching the first floor. "Let us take you to higher ground," they called.

"No, thanks," the man responded. "The Lord will provide for me."

The water rose to the second floor, and a Red Cross rowboat came past. "Jump in," they called, "and we'll row you to safety."

"Don't worry about me," said the man from his bedroom window. "My faith is in the Lord."

The waters continued to rise, and the man was on the roof when an army helicopter hovered overhead. "I'll throw down a rope ladder so you can climb up here,"

shouted the pilot.

"I'll be OK," shouted back the man. "I'm in God's hands."

Well, the water rose yet higher, and the man drowned. He arrived in heaven soaking wet and furious, and demanded to speak to the Boss. "Is this how You care for Your people?" he asked. "I kept telling everyone I'd be OK, and instead I drowned!"

"What more do you want?" asked God. "I sent you a jeep, a rowboat, and a helicopter."

A Priest was talking to one of his parishioners. He said "When you get to my age you spend a lot more time thinking about the hereafter." "What do you say that", enquires the parishioner. The Priest replies "Well, I often find myself going into a room and thinking what did I come in hear after."